So beautiful! This is my favorite piece of your writing yet. I feel this deeply and I love the vulnerability. It’s a brave thing to do. I love knowing the messy girl with too much baggage 🧡
Holly, glad to see that the community is giving you a lot of love ❤️. Truly thankful for that.
I see you’re interested in spirituality, psychology, and more. Just wanted to share my susbatck as a fellow person interested in those things: https://unorthodoxy.substack.com/
Thanks for sharing your struggle. Wishing you peace and happiness! I said something like this in a note once - sometimes you have to lose all you thought was real, to gain what IS real.
This looks a bit like the avoidance and disassociation I can concoct. Mine starts with overwhelm, where there is too much going on for me to process.
Then I galvanize to act, and do weird self-defeating things…….and yes, it is often against things that are helping me grow. People notice, but often don’t comment. (I wouldn’t hear them anyway)
Either I complete my gigantic, all-consuming “task”…….or I finally figure out it is just a distraction. Then, the physical crash comes. Cortisol has a price it wants of me.
I used to get depressed around this time. Now, I know it is a natural part of my cycling.
Eventually, I drag myself out of the hole to find that none of it was actually as bad as my mind had made it. Worse, it could have been simpler. Shame lies here.
This is my regular dance. I don’t know if it’s the PTSD, or if my latent ADHD plays in. Fortunately, I have a plethora of things I can blame it on! Blame, though, is a tool it uses to keep me down.
I’d say you should focus on the gratitude and miracle of kindred spirits who will rally to you. Even remote and electronic spirits from your follower base.
Thank you for sharing this. It answers a few questions I had but I didn’t feel were my right to intrude and ask. But most of all, as I said before, it confirms your humanity. - A fellow human
Sam, I’m so glad to have made a friend in you. Your comment was one of the first that came through for me. You have lifted me up and helped me feel more human. I appreciate you. ❤️
Point of clarification though: I didn’t lift you up. You did. If you used what I said to help do it, great, that’s why it’s important to say such things, but you’re the one who put in the effort.
Your story is tragic. I feel your pain, though I won't say why. You aren't "normal" whatever that is. But, who cares? You overcome these episodes and you are wiser and even more talented.
The key is accepting ourselves no matter what. That keeps us from judging and punishing ourselves. My mother used to tell me, "The sun will come out."
Wow, Holly. I can relate to so much of this, and once again I have tears on my face after reading your words. Thank you for being here, sharing your pain, and inspiring others to grow. 🙏
Thanks for reading, Gayle. There are plenty of essays since this one so the real me is out. Thanks very much for reading and commenting. I appreciate it.
As I read your words I felt compassion in its literal sense, to suffer with. I, too, fear exposure and have met in this community the grace I find hard to give myself.
When we’re younger, we wear whatever mask we need to, usually determined by the situation - one for the family, one for the boss, a different one for coworkers, another for neighbors. We don’t want them to think badly of us. As we get older, we get more confident, and drop some of the masks. Eventually we reach a level of self-assurance that we drop them entirely.
With me, what you see is what you get. Or rather, what you give is what you get back. I’m a mirror, reflecting back what someone sends me: kindness, vitriol, love, hate, indifference. Whatever it is. It sounds like you’ve reached that point. Congratulations on being comfortable in your own skin.
Seriously, Holly! Every girl, in America anyway, is told she’s too fat, too skinny, too tall, too short, too smart, too dumb, has the wrong hair / color, has the wrong build, wears the wrong clothes,… Guys don’t get ANY of that. It’s few of us who EVER dye our hair, wear makeup, wear heels, grow our hair long, cut it off,… And do you know ANY non-celebrity guy who’s “had work done”? I have pretty short hair, short enough to not comb. I probably only look in a mirror 2 or 3 times in a week.
Women are told they’re inferior from the age of 3. Want proof? Did you play with Barbie dolls? Is there a woman alive who naturally looks like Barbie? So the 3-year old’s role model *doesn’t exist*.
Such a powerful story. I too am grateful for this community on Substack that can hold space for those of us who find the courage to give our hearts a voice that speaks here. 💪
Thanks for sharing. Maybe this delete was the occasion to reset and start things from a new perspective and with more authenticity.
Regretting is always a waste of time. When I make something that wasn’t the smartest thing to do in retrospective, I always use the occasion to make it an opportunity and improve the status quo.
I don’t know you, but I’m glad you manage to do the same and I hope being back to writing will give you a lot of joy again :-)
I didn't realize this was you Holly, I was just reading what I thought was another comeback story. YOU'RE FINE .. OK? I don't even really know you, we've only recently been exchanging words, but hey, I know a solid citizen when I read one, lol. Seriously, I notice you haven't mentioned God at all in your post, are you a believer? You should be, we have to depend on Him.
So beautiful! This is my favorite piece of your writing yet. I feel this deeply and I love the vulnerability. It’s a brave thing to do. I love knowing the messy girl with too much baggage 🧡
Also: fuck shame!
Oh Hanna, thank you. So, glad to be here and growing with you, in many ways.
YOU inspire me. ❤️
And yes, let’s embrace the mess. There is no other way.
Holly, glad to see that the community is giving you a lot of love ❤️. Truly thankful for that.
I see you’re interested in spirituality, psychology, and more. Just wanted to share my susbatck as a fellow person interested in those things: https://unorthodoxy.substack.com/
Thanks Franklin, can't wait to check it out! It may take me a couple of days though.
Glad to be here with you!
Thanks for sharing your struggle. Wishing you peace and happiness! I said something like this in a note once - sometimes you have to lose all you thought was real, to gain what IS real.
You are so right, Aaron. Thank you for being here and for holding this space with me. ❤️
This looks a bit like the avoidance and disassociation I can concoct. Mine starts with overwhelm, where there is too much going on for me to process.
Then I galvanize to act, and do weird self-defeating things…….and yes, it is often against things that are helping me grow. People notice, but often don’t comment. (I wouldn’t hear them anyway)
Either I complete my gigantic, all-consuming “task”…….or I finally figure out it is just a distraction. Then, the physical crash comes. Cortisol has a price it wants of me.
I used to get depressed around this time. Now, I know it is a natural part of my cycling.
Eventually, I drag myself out of the hole to find that none of it was actually as bad as my mind had made it. Worse, it could have been simpler. Shame lies here.
This is my regular dance. I don’t know if it’s the PTSD, or if my latent ADHD plays in. Fortunately, I have a plethora of things I can blame it on! Blame, though, is a tool it uses to keep me down.
I’d say you should focus on the gratitude and miracle of kindred spirits who will rally to you. Even remote and electronic spirits from your follower base.
What a thoughtful comment.
Yes, as I age I’m getting to know myself too, and my patterns.
And I am so glad I am making some of those digitial friends, who somehow have actually transcended the digital aspect for me.
Thank you.
Thank you for sharing this. It answers a few questions I had but I didn’t feel were my right to intrude and ask. But most of all, as I said before, it confirms your humanity. - A fellow human
Sam, I’m so glad to have made a friend in you. Your comment was one of the first that came through for me. You have lifted me up and helped me feel more human. I appreciate you. ❤️
Point of clarification though: I didn’t lift you up. You did. If you used what I said to help do it, great, that’s why it’s important to say such things, but you’re the one who put in the effort.
Anytime, friend.
Your story is tragic. I feel your pain, though I won't say why. You aren't "normal" whatever that is. But, who cares? You overcome these episodes and you are wiser and even more talented.
The key is accepting ourselves no matter what. That keeps us from judging and punishing ourselves. My mother used to tell me, "The sun will come out."
Kevin I don’t think anyone is normal. And I wouldn’t want to be. I am who I am.
And yes, acceptance is key. I’m working on it.
Thanks very much for reading and for your support. It is absolutely appreciated.
Wow, Holly. I can relate to so much of this, and once again I have tears on my face after reading your words. Thank you for being here, sharing your pain, and inspiring others to grow. 🙏
What a nice message to wake up to this morning. I will keep trying...thank you for helping lift me up :)
Holly!
I can’t wait to read the true you. The real you. It’s the only you there is. I bet this is a big, juicy turning point for you. A new beginning.
We will be here and ready to accept and acknowledge you.
Sending lots of love and also thanks, for putting g this out there.
Thanks for reading, Gayle. There are plenty of essays since this one so the real me is out. Thanks very much for reading and commenting. I appreciate it.
As I read your words I felt compassion in its literal sense, to suffer with. I, too, fear exposure and have met in this community the grace I find hard to give myself.
Thanks so much, Sara, for reading and commenting.
I do think most of the time we are met with grace even though our bodies are saying “there is no way people will accept this”
When we’re younger, we wear whatever mask we need to, usually determined by the situation - one for the family, one for the boss, a different one for coworkers, another for neighbors. We don’t want them to think badly of us. As we get older, we get more confident, and drop some of the masks. Eventually we reach a level of self-assurance that we drop them entirely.
With me, what you see is what you get. Or rather, what you give is what you get back. I’m a mirror, reflecting back what someone sends me: kindness, vitriol, love, hate, indifference. Whatever it is. It sounds like you’ve reached that point. Congratulations on being comfortable in your own skin.
I’m not there yet but there are moments. And I’m getting there.
It feels good to be vulnerable and accepted.
Thank you very much for reading and for your commentary. Happy new year!
It’s harder for women. Society has trained them since they were little to ALWAYS wear a mask. Good luck overcoming your conditioning.
Wow. that is nice to hear, Lou. thanks for acknowledging.
Seriously, Holly! Every girl, in America anyway, is told she’s too fat, too skinny, too tall, too short, too smart, too dumb, has the wrong hair / color, has the wrong build, wears the wrong clothes,… Guys don’t get ANY of that. It’s few of us who EVER dye our hair, wear makeup, wear heels, grow our hair long, cut it off,… And do you know ANY non-celebrity guy who’s “had work done”? I have pretty short hair, short enough to not comb. I probably only look in a mirror 2 or 3 times in a week.
Women are told they’re inferior from the age of 3. Want proof? Did you play with Barbie dolls? Is there a woman alive who naturally looks like Barbie? So the 3-year old’s role model *doesn’t exist*.
Thanks again for writing that all out. It makes sense. Hopefully times are changing a bit now.
Such a powerful story. I too am grateful for this community on Substack that can hold space for those of us who find the courage to give our hearts a voice that speaks here. 💪
Thanks for being here with me, Jeremy ❤️❤️
Thanks for sharing. Maybe this delete was the occasion to reset and start things from a new perspective and with more authenticity.
Regretting is always a waste of time. When I make something that wasn’t the smartest thing to do in retrospective, I always use the occasion to make it an opportunity and improve the status quo.
I don’t know you, but I’m glad you manage to do the same and I hope being back to writing will give you a lot of joy again :-)
Thanks, James. I’m still here, writing. It’s a lot sometimes but nice comments like your help me keep going.
Very much appreciate you taking the time to read.
The shame is real. I'm sorry you hit delete. I hope you find what you need to move forward. I hope and pray you get your subscribers back. 🙏 💜
Thanks very much for reading and commenting Rosemary! I think the process was necessary. I’m doing much better 2 months later!
A truly amazing read!
Thanks very much for reading and commenting, Jeremy.
I didn't realize this was you Holly, I was just reading what I thought was another comeback story. YOU'RE FINE .. OK? I don't even really know you, we've only recently been exchanging words, but hey, I know a solid citizen when I read one, lol. Seriously, I notice you haven't mentioned God at all in your post, are you a believer? You should be, we have to depend on Him.
Thanks Rob for reading and commenting. Glad to be getting to know you.
yes Holly, same here thanks
Your experience is very relatable to me but expressed much more coherently than I could manage. I see you and I’m so glad you shared this!
Thanks for reading and commenting and being here with me Noel. It feels good to be seen and understood for sure.
I definitely see you, so to speak, and I totally understand why you did everything you did!