Holly, this is so incredibly beautiful. You put into words your whole heart and soul. I felt every moment of being a mother reading this. I believe the struggles you had with your family have made you the strong tenacious woman that you are today.
Thanks, Kathleen. I feel like being a mother and going through some tough times gives you a street cred that people who don’t have children don’t understand. It definitely took me to the edge a lot of times.
As always, appreciate your kind words and support. I want people to know me here and this is part of the story.
Well it isn’t like I was having a great day anyway but I’ve been sitting here crying now.
I miss my kids’ mother so much. Not the her that walked out last Christmas but the one that raised those babies. Not the one that left us all behind but the one who sewed and baked.
I have too much to do this morning to cry or waste your time but I loved this thank you.
No, I haven't written much about it. A poem about the abandonment and the ten-page history I wrote of the relationship for my divorce attorney … my writing is what precipitated the end of our relationship, to begin with, ironically …
Empty Bowl
You were my best friend
and I worked for you
and loved you
I gave you my coat and walked home
covered in snow in the dark because you did not have one
there wasn’t anything I wouldn’t do
And we ran and played in the days long ago.
and when the cold came, I started your car
and scraped the windshield for you
and I sang your name
with every breath
I made coffee for you
every
single
day
and when the darkness came, I failed
and I couldn’t see or think
because there was nowhere left to stand or walk
and you said
why aren’t you making my cereal anymore
why aren't you making my coffee anymore
are you just going to stop doing the chores?
And I couldn’t remember the last time you said thank you.
"The days are long but the years are short." Oh, so much the truth! The older I get, and I qualify as old, the more I know this to be true. It is an excellent frame for parenthood, and not just parenthood when the children are young kids living under your roof. Parenting is a forever job and I think most people do the best they can with the tools they have.
My parents were responsible but I don't think they had a lot of personal experience with parental loving kindness. So my siblings and I didn't see a lot of that BUT we had a tight family (still do). My siblings and I have chosen to raise out own children with more attunement and now I see the next generation fine tuning what we offered. We just keep learning, don't we?
We sure do keep learning. I'm glad these days motherhood is a little easier for me. But they say "little kids, little problems, bigger kids, bigger problems" so we'll see where the teenage years take me. I know one thing...I'm stronger now than I was when she was an infant and I'm going to try to enjoy it now.
Thanks as always, for reading, Gracie...I very much appreciate it. And I highly doubt you qualify as old now.
Thank you for the bravery of writing this. It’s a loving honest gift to mothers everywhere. If we didn’t learn from our mothers we’re learning from Substack sisters that we’re not alone in loneliness! 🌹
This is a such a great way to look at this. There are so many substack sisters that have been through this exact type of thing. Some of these commenters have been through similar as well. It does feel good to get it out. It doesn't feel brave (although thank you for saying it), it feels necessary at this point.
I'm here for you and all the others that survived without mothers....
Very much appreciate you reading and commenting ❤️❤️
I agree that writing the pain isn’t brave it’s a form of self care and survival. But seeing someone else doing it you can see the bravery, and that helps recognise I’ve been brave too 🤍
Holly, I don’t know how women can do it. I’ve been around a number of childbirths and as a man, I cannot understand how a woman would ever want to go through it twice or more.
If it was up to men to have babies, you might rarely see one, but you would never see a guy with two of his own. It’s so much easier to go to war and face machine gun fire, grenades, and bombs.
Euripides has Medea say something like this in the eponymous tragedy - "I would rather be on the battlefield 3 times than give birth once."
It is not even 2 centuries ago that up to every fifth birth ended in death... still does in the poorest parts of the world. It is overwhelming to look at a crowd and think that everyone you see is there because someone faced death for them.
A male commenter asked: How can women do it repeatedly? - I think because of a lifetime of mental preparation. It is something you begin thinking about, and mentally training for, as soon as you learn the fact that this can be your future. In wartime, men go through a similar period of preparation. Facing death and finding peace with that.
It is the most basic reason why women are not drafted: They already serve in another capacity. The claim that drafting both sexes would be equality is therefore false...
Maria…I see you commented on another post of mine and I think I only have time to respond to this one a the moment but let me thank you for taking the time. It is thoughts like these in this community that will seem to light a fire within me…that keep me thinking differently and more deeply about what I’ve written and been through.
Absolutely true and beautiful comment. Wow. Never thought of it this way. Thank you. Yes…death…and honestly we may be better on the battlefield but that may eventually cause us to evolve differently….lots to think about here.
You're most welcome, Holly, thank you for the warm response! I am glad that you find the thought inspiring. It is something I have often thought of. Isn't birth the most heroic of battlefields? The only life-giving battle...
Looking forward to reading your further thoughts on the topic if they take shape in writing. I can't see where you're going with the thought about evolving differently, so that would be interesting to hear more about... Also, thank you for your articles, I have enjoyed reading them. It is no small feat to produce clarity on a theme so emotionally demanding as estrangement.
I don’t know about this. But thanks for saying it. It was definitely brutal and it was brutal enough for me I did stop at 1 child. I wanted to tell this story because a lot of mothers suffer in silence and I don’t want to be quiet anymore.
C-section followed by postpartum depression was traumatic for me, especially given the doctor who met us at the emergency room in a white out snowstorm. He was awful to me and to the midwife. I am grateful for the surgeon and the pediatrician who were wonderful. Thank you for your writing. My Mom came and stayed with us for two weeks after I got out of the hospital — having a good mother is wonderful and I’m glad that you are one!
As a husband and father, I know that on my best day, I’ll never come close to having the strength, the courage or the capacity to love that a mother displays on her worst. Higher Angels.
I love how you go back and forth in the memories. I think it’s incredible that you can still feel and express understanding and empathy for your mom and what she must have experienced. Your love for her comes through. I wonder too, about what my kids remember, and it alarms me that most of what I remember from my childhood is the negative stuff. I think our writing about our lives and love for our kids will keep the good memories more alive. This was a beautifully written post, Holly.
Thanks for reading Gayle. I’ve had a very strange relationship with being a mother. I am working very hard to try not to repeat the mistakes my mom made. The best I can do is try to be open and honest with my daughter and if there is an issue, maybe we can talk it through.
And I have a feeling with the kind of woman you are, your kids are going to be remembering a whole lot of good stuff.
I bet, since you’re so conscious of how you are with her, you are creating a very open, honest relationship. For me, because I was divorced (my husband left when my kids were 5, 7 and 11), there were some terrible years of stress, anger, me going a bit nuts bc of this, a new stepdad coming into the scene …. and honestly, the shadows of that time lingered around for years— really decades. All is good (mostly) now but many formative years of disarray and misunderstandings and self-worth issues for me…. I sometimes wonder if those times tip the scale so much that all the good things I did will be unseen in amongst those shadows.
I cried and cried. While I am so proud of you for breaking the cycle, my heart breaks for your lost childhood. You expressed every part of this so beautifully, so expressively, even the pain. You’re amazing.
Holly, this is so incredibly beautiful. You put into words your whole heart and soul. I felt every moment of being a mother reading this. I believe the struggles you had with your family have made you the strong tenacious woman that you are today.
Thanks, Kathleen. I feel like being a mother and going through some tough times gives you a street cred that people who don’t have children don’t understand. It definitely took me to the edge a lot of times.
As always, appreciate your kind words and support. I want people to know me here and this is part of the story.
Well it isn’t like I was having a great day anyway but I’ve been sitting here crying now.
I miss my kids’ mother so much. Not the her that walked out last Christmas but the one that raised those babies. Not the one that left us all behind but the one who sewed and baked.
I have too much to do this morning to cry or waste your time but I loved this thank you.
My therapist is back next week thank g-d.
I’m sorry to hear what you’re going through. Life is hard. Are you writing about it?
This really helped me.
Very much appreciate you reading and commenting. You’re not alone.
No, I haven't written much about it. A poem about the abandonment and the ten-page history I wrote of the relationship for my divorce attorney … my writing is what precipitated the end of our relationship, to begin with, ironically …
Empty Bowl
You were my best friend
and I worked for you
and loved you
I gave you my coat and walked home
covered in snow in the dark because you did not have one
there wasn’t anything I wouldn’t do
And we ran and played in the days long ago.
and when the cold came, I started your car
and scraped the windshield for you
and I sang your name
with every breath
I made coffee for you
every
single
day
and when the darkness came, I failed
and I couldn’t see or think
because there was nowhere left to stand or walk
and you said
why aren’t you making my cereal anymore
why aren't you making my coffee anymore
are you just going to stop doing the chores?
And I couldn’t remember the last time you said thank you.
and when you left
you took the cereal bowls with you
all of them
except for one
that had been left dirty and alone
04 25 2024
I can feel the pain. I’m sorry, Parrish.
This is how motherhood felt for me too!
Thanks for reading and commenting, Samantha. You’re not alone.
"The days are long but the years are short." Oh, so much the truth! The older I get, and I qualify as old, the more I know this to be true. It is an excellent frame for parenthood, and not just parenthood when the children are young kids living under your roof. Parenting is a forever job and I think most people do the best they can with the tools they have.
My parents were responsible but I don't think they had a lot of personal experience with parental loving kindness. So my siblings and I didn't see a lot of that BUT we had a tight family (still do). My siblings and I have chosen to raise out own children with more attunement and now I see the next generation fine tuning what we offered. We just keep learning, don't we?
We sure do keep learning. I'm glad these days motherhood is a little easier for me. But they say "little kids, little problems, bigger kids, bigger problems" so we'll see where the teenage years take me. I know one thing...I'm stronger now than I was when she was an infant and I'm going to try to enjoy it now.
Thanks as always, for reading, Gracie...I very much appreciate it. And I highly doubt you qualify as old now.
Thank you for the bravery of writing this. It’s a loving honest gift to mothers everywhere. If we didn’t learn from our mothers we’re learning from Substack sisters that we’re not alone in loneliness! 🌹
This is a such a great way to look at this. There are so many substack sisters that have been through this exact type of thing. Some of these commenters have been through similar as well. It does feel good to get it out. It doesn't feel brave (although thank you for saying it), it feels necessary at this point.
I'm here for you and all the others that survived without mothers....
Very much appreciate you reading and commenting ❤️❤️
I agree that writing the pain isn’t brave it’s a form of self care and survival. But seeing someone else doing it you can see the bravery, and that helps recognise I’ve been brave too 🤍
YES. Thank you. And looking forward to reading more of your bravery too. ❤️❤️
Beautiful. Respect to anyone who ever grew another human inside them
Thank you, Fred.
Holly, I don’t know how women can do it. I’ve been around a number of childbirths and as a man, I cannot understand how a woman would ever want to go through it twice or more.
If it was up to men to have babies, you might rarely see one, but you would never see a guy with two of his own. It’s so much easier to go to war and face machine gun fire, grenades, and bombs.
Euripides has Medea say something like this in the eponymous tragedy - "I would rather be on the battlefield 3 times than give birth once."
It is not even 2 centuries ago that up to every fifth birth ended in death... still does in the poorest parts of the world. It is overwhelming to look at a crowd and think that everyone you see is there because someone faced death for them.
A male commenter asked: How can women do it repeatedly? - I think because of a lifetime of mental preparation. It is something you begin thinking about, and mentally training for, as soon as you learn the fact that this can be your future. In wartime, men go through a similar period of preparation. Facing death and finding peace with that.
It is the most basic reason why women are not drafted: They already serve in another capacity. The claim that drafting both sexes would be equality is therefore false...
Maria…I see you commented on another post of mine and I think I only have time to respond to this one a the moment but let me thank you for taking the time. It is thoughts like these in this community that will seem to light a fire within me…that keep me thinking differently and more deeply about what I’ve written and been through.
Absolutely true and beautiful comment. Wow. Never thought of it this way. Thank you. Yes…death…and honestly we may be better on the battlefield but that may eventually cause us to evolve differently….lots to think about here.
Thank you so much for reading and commenting…
You're most welcome, Holly, thank you for the warm response! I am glad that you find the thought inspiring. It is something I have often thought of. Isn't birth the most heroic of battlefields? The only life-giving battle...
Looking forward to reading your further thoughts on the topic if they take shape in writing. I can't see where you're going with the thought about evolving differently, so that would be interesting to hear more about... Also, thank you for your articles, I have enjoyed reading them. It is no small feat to produce clarity on a theme so emotionally demanding as estrangement.
I don’t know about this. But thanks for saying it. It was definitely brutal and it was brutal enough for me I did stop at 1 child. I wanted to tell this story because a lot of mothers suffer in silence and I don’t want to be quiet anymore.
C-section followed by postpartum depression was traumatic for me, especially given the doctor who met us at the emergency room in a white out snowstorm. He was awful to me and to the midwife. I am grateful for the surgeon and the pediatrician who were wonderful. Thank you for your writing. My Mom came and stayed with us for two weeks after I got out of the hospital — having a good mother is wonderful and I’m glad that you are one!
Thanks, Shana. I definitely mourn not having my own mother there for me as a child or when I really needed her when I became a mother.
There is so much we go through silently as mothers.
Thanks very much for reading and I’m sorry for what you went through. That kind of trauma stays with you.
As a husband and father, I know that on my best day, I’ll never come close to having the strength, the courage or the capacity to love that a mother displays on her worst. Higher Angels.
Not sure about that Christopher. You are a special breed. 🤍
My experiences have not been the same as yours but thank you for this beautiful piece of writing.
Thank you very much for reading and commenting :)
A moving piece.
Thanks very much for reading, Chris.
Your Mother's Day piece is breathtaking. It is filled with fireworks of joy and nearly unbearable pain--just like parenthood itself.
❤️❤️❤️❤️
I love how you go back and forth in the memories. I think it’s incredible that you can still feel and express understanding and empathy for your mom and what she must have experienced. Your love for her comes through. I wonder too, about what my kids remember, and it alarms me that most of what I remember from my childhood is the negative stuff. I think our writing about our lives and love for our kids will keep the good memories more alive. This was a beautifully written post, Holly.
Thanks for reading Gayle. I’ve had a very strange relationship with being a mother. I am working very hard to try not to repeat the mistakes my mom made. The best I can do is try to be open and honest with my daughter and if there is an issue, maybe we can talk it through.
And I have a feeling with the kind of woman you are, your kids are going to be remembering a whole lot of good stuff.
Appreciate you, Gayle :)
I bet, since you’re so conscious of how you are with her, you are creating a very open, honest relationship. For me, because I was divorced (my husband left when my kids were 5, 7 and 11), there were some terrible years of stress, anger, me going a bit nuts bc of this, a new stepdad coming into the scene …. and honestly, the shadows of that time lingered around for years— really decades. All is good (mostly) now but many formative years of disarray and misunderstandings and self-worth issues for me…. I sometimes wonder if those times tip the scale so much that all the good things I did will be unseen in amongst those shadows.
I can see why this is your favorite of the year; be proud, Holly.
Thanks so much for always reading AGK.
I cried and cried. While I am so proud of you for breaking the cycle, my heart breaks for your lost childhood. You expressed every part of this so beautifully, so expressively, even the pain. You’re amazing.
Thanks for always being here Beth. You help me feel seen.
Dear Holly, a riveting beautiful story, raw, soul deep and courageous.
Yes we do better than our mothers and break bloodline patterns that don’t serve.
Your new baby has a wonderful mother.
I walk with you on this remothering journey. 🌹
Thanks very much Prajna. I walk with you too.