To write requires an ego, a belief that what you say matters. Writing also requires an aching curiosity leading you to discover, uncover, what is gnawing at your bones.
- Terry Tempest Williams
Why are you reading what I am writing? You could be watching Netflix, doing laundry, scrolling cats and dogs on Instagram, playing video games, hanging with friends or family, working, or a lot of other things.
Maybe you are asking yourself the same question. Perhaps you know me in real life and want to know what I’m up to. Maybe you found me on Substack and resonated with something I have to say. Maybe you accidentally clicked through and are not sure how you ended up here. Regardless, I thank you very much for reading these words. I’ve been writing publicly for about three months now and have connected with a few people here, all going through something in their life that drives them to write. It has been magnificent and healing and cathartic. When I knew I would be embarking on a journey that was out of the ordinary for me (quitting my job), I knew I had to write about it and write through it.
I quit drinking in November of 2020. I learned in the early days of quitting that community was paramount in the journey of staying off booze. I found a few groups online to join and started to read many stories, questions, and asks for support. All posts were vulnerable and profound. Some people were sharing the most painful things they’d ever gone through. It seemed to be the opposite of traditional social media, where only the shiniest, brightest, and best was put forth to show the world. The amount of self-loathing and shame written about was palpable. It was real. I was moved to tears many times. I felt a camaraderie that I had never felt while drinking with others. I felt like these people could truly see me. I was not alone.
Three weeks into my alcohol-free journey I woke up early in the morning and posted my own story anonymously on one of the groups. I received many kind responses thanking me for sharing and lifting me up. These messages of support reinforced my own beliefs about quitting and motivated me to continue. I posted every so often when I had an insight. A few people told me what I’d written had inspired them to pull the trigger and quit drinking. It struck me that my words made an impact on someone else’s life. I felt a kinship with those walking a similar path to me. We were moving in parallel.
As I continued on the road without booze, I leaned even more heavily than normal on the spiritual, self-help, psychology, and personal-growth genre of books, media, and content. I have always wanted to understand myself and why I behave the way that I do. The concept of ego kept coming up. What is ego?
Ego, as defined by the Oxford dictionary, is a person’s sense of self-esteem or self-importance. This definition is reductive and underwhelming. Much has been written about ego, but it is a phenomenon that often transcends language. Even in A New Earth, Eckhart Tolle spends 309 pages trying to explain the vastness of the concept of ego. Ego is the voice in your head, the illusion of self (often as you are seen by others), the identification of things or roles and the desire for better or more. It is insatiable. It is unconscious. It is only with awareness, that you can separate yourself from ego, or begin to go beyond it.
I started to think about why I was writing and sharing with my alcohol-free friends. I have thought about why I am writing now. Is it to serve my ego? Is it so I create another identity through which I can exist? Is it so I can have more - more adulation, respect, more people to agree with me and reinforce my ideas about myself? Is it the flurry of wonderful feelings I get when I feel I am seen by others? Does it help me to feel truly understood? Is the need to feel understood just another egoic concept? I do think all of this is true to a certain extent. There is a lot of ego in writing, especially if you are using the words I, me, my. But…
I am trying to be aware of why I’m putting words on a page. I write so I can discover what I have to say. I write to connect ideas in my head. Should I just write these words in a journal? No, I write to connect with others. I write to possibly help others understand things in a way they hadn’t thought of before. I write to bring awareness. I write to spark change in myself and others. I write because it feels healing to me. I write with the hope that others see me. I write to re-experience my joys. I write to feel liberated from what plagues me.
The liberation comes from understanding that I am not separate from others, but I am part of what makes up the whole. The interconnection of our world. It is true that we are just specks in the universe but we are all needed and it is with our connectedness that we create the beauty that surrounds us. We are a community. We are all in this crazy life together.
So dare I say this is why you are reading what I am writing? You want to feel seen, commiserate, discover, resonate, and rejoice with me, too. You are a part of the whole.
Writing isn’t JUST feeding the ego. If you are able to join with others and build community, it goes far beyond the concept of anything related solely to the self. What you have to say may make someone smile, laugh, cry, or even change their life. And if that isn’t powerful and amazing, I don’t know what is.
Another aspect of why I write is to leave a legacy. Not in general but specifically for the person most important to me - my daughter. This will be the subject of my next essay.
And again, thank you for reading. I have been so glad to connect with so many through this platform.
I have vowed on this iteration of my writing that I will not write about writing, but we appreciate you doing so. It is certainly a journey. I struggle with questioning why anyone would ever read my writing even as I feel I have a million stories in my head that want out all at once. And even as I attempt to write some semi-literary pieces, the one column I write that is most popular and most requested is my Monday morning post. I don’t get it. I may never make any money writing, but the fact anyone reads it at all makes me believe I have something of some value to share.
Keep up the good work!
Beautiful. Connecting- yes. What would you say is the difference between writing and talking besides for the legacy and the fact that us introverts feel safer doing writing? ☺️