Maybe since in my last few essays, I wrote about writing, I’ve written all I can write. Is writing about writing the end? Does it mean you have nothing left to say? I am kind of joking but not really…
I’ve felt uninspired and disjointed lately. Maybe new seasons do this. New patterns. Old habits. Does it all fit together? When I feel this way I normally turn to my journal for signs things are different now. That there’s been some growth. Or to remind me how far I’ve come. As usual, although it always surprises me, I found it.
In early 2022, I woke up with a fever that set off a cascade of health issues that lasted for the whole year. As a high-functioning, productive type A personality, who is always trying to do more or be better, I was forced to be still. Frustration and anger were off the charts. I was in the depths of despair, burnt out (mentally and chemically), and desperate to help myself feel better. I started writing letters to everyone in my life with whom I had unresolved issues, hoping to release some negativity (I didn’t send them). Until I read my journal, I had completely forgotten I also wrote one to myself. Somehow, despite being at one of the lowest points of my life, I found a tiny spark of hope inside me:
3/22
Today I am 40 years, 3 months and 9 days old. I'm writing to myself today, pretending to know more than I do at the present time.
Self, it is all going to be ok. Although 40 years have passed, you are really just at the beginning. The beginning of unburying, unlearning, and releasing everything that has not served you. It is going to be ok. I'll say it again - IT IS ALL GOING TO BE OK. Everything that you've done or has happened to you has been part of your path so stop letting it affect every cell of your being - from your head to your toes. All you have learned was meant to bring you to your current road and wherever that will lead you from here. And now that you KNOW better in certain aspects, DO better.
So, forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for all of the missteps, mistakes, and times you were disingenuous. Forgive others for the wreckage they caused while trying to find their path in this very confusing and ever-changing world.
Another thing that you know to be true: You contain multitudes. You are intelligent, loving, capable, and have a set of personality quirks that make you, uniquely you. You possibly have not passed the hardest times in your life but know at this moment and believe from this point on, that you are capable of fighting the fight and meeting every obstacle with a full heart and the wisdom that you have learned, but also has been inside of you all along.
You have magic inside of you that you are meant to give the world. Your purpose is to continue to discover what that is, how you can help others, and give your daughter the best possible start at life.
Don't spend a single day without gratitude because it is really all we have. We have to be thankful for all of it because if not for pain, sorrow, joy, and the times where you were just bored, brought you to this moment. You a speck, but such a necessary speck in the grand scheme of things in this beautiful, fucked up, but absolutely stunning world.
Know that some days you will have to try harder to see the light - inside you, inside everyone and everything, but it is ALWAYS there.
I share this because I know everyone is going through something at any given time. This letter could have been written by you. For you. So it is also yours. Believe what it says.
My health issues resolved, thankfully. In the stillness that was forced upon me, I was able to remember that I was not broken. A little cliché but like the moon, I am always whole, even when it is difficult to see.
Also, know this is true: there are hopes and dreams tugging at us while resentments, mistakes, and physical and mental issues are weighing us down. It is so easy to feel lost, or fragmented, but everything that happens to you in life is meant to be a lesson, or to help you redirect your path. Follow your path with acceptance, and allow the magnificence of this universe to cast its light upon you.
Well said.
For some reason… That photo looks a potential thumbnail for a future Mr Ballen video 👍😄