Those wounds. I feel this. I'm so sorry you dealt with all of that.
Your posts are authentic, and well written and insightful. They resonate with so many of us. You have a gift with reaching people through words and you are using it
Aw, Jane thank you so much. You do as well! I'm so glad we are all hear, writing about this crazy life together. It really does make it so much easier. And you in particular make me feel so seen....there is no greater gift. I appreciate you so very much ā¤ļø
I felt this: "Iām wanting reassurance from him. Iām wanting him to tell me that this is something more than casual. That I am special. That this could be love." - it is humiliating and has made me vulnerable to emotional abuse š
Samantha, iām sure you know everything Iām going to say here, but please do remember to be kind to yourself first. Look yourself in the mirror every day and say I do deserve to be loved the way I want to, I already have greatness inside of me. It was given to you by God above, and it lives in you all the time whether someone sees it or not that is the very definition of being special that is what we are. Iām sending you hugs on a cold winter day and hopes for a better tomorrow for all of us.
It's my pleasure. Few people are brave enough to do the basic introspection and work necessary to help them evolve. Actually working through it, and sharing it with the public like you are, is another level.
I lost my famiily too some by death, some by choice , (anti-lgbt) some by forced hand -when they couldn't be bothered to see me after hospital error and genetic defect caused a 24 minute cardiac arrest me on a ventilator and they could find 1 hour to drive from a city 30 mins away. I gave them 1 year after then disowned them. My mum took your dads role, my dad I felt nothing at his death. I can't understand his personakiĆ¾y change or pretend to understand igs individual harm. But I send you love from afar, I understand some trauma you felt probably. šøš§”šø
I'm sorry to hear what you've gone through as well. Unfortunately, I think most people can relate to some issues with parents or caregivers. What matters now is we try to heal and rise above. I am still estranged from both of my parents. I sometimes wonder if this is hurting or harming me. It changes on a day to day basis I guess.
I very much appreciate you reading and commenting ā¤ļøā¤ļø
I went no contact with my mother 25 years ago. She has since died. It was a difficult decision at the time. But, it was something I needed to do for my own survival and mental wellbeing.
My thoughts on this from one sensitive person to, evidently, another. I cut ties with my father about five years prior to his death. When he died I was not sad. His death carved nothing out of my life. A void in me was formed by way of his negligent parenting, abuse and selfishness. I intellectually and instinctively knew I had lost nothing when I heard of his death. Instilled guilt, good character and notions regarding propriety can make us hesitate or question deciding to estrange from people that are toxic. If a sensitive individual feels they need to protect themselves emotionally or otherwise from somebody in their life, it seems a good indication to draw firm boundaries where possible. Where boundaries are not possible or respected, estrangement, atleast temporary, seems the justified solution.
Thanks very much for reading Jay. My next essay is on the feelings surrounding estrangement and how difficult they can be. It will probably be ready tomorrow.
Iām sorry to hear what youāve been through. There are too many of us who have issues with the ones who were supposed to love and protect us.
Thanks Holly. I'm new to both the platform and posting. For some reason your essays showed up on my feed. You seem to be a kind, inspiring and supportive source of positive energy for many people. Laudable and valuable particularly these days.
I went to therapy to resolve the traumas. I also found some books that were helpful at the time. Both of my parents were narcissistic. Drama of the Gifted Child is a good book. Mommy Dearest and Understanding Your Borderline Mother were the breakthrough books I needed to understand my motherās behavior towards me. I was always confused by the way she acted and treated me. I had to accept that my parents would never change. Both of them could have been locked up in jail for what they did. They lacked the capacity to consider the consequences of their actions. Itās sad, but I could not submit myself to their constant abuse. I also needed to consider my childrenās needs. I broke the cycle of intergenerational trauma. That felt like an accomplishment. Still, my children grew up without grandparents. That was difficult as I did not have much family to rely upon.
I'm in your exact same boat, Anna. It sounds like you've handled it with grace. I'm still figuring out the impact it will have on me and my daughter in the future....but yes. I'm so glad to have broken the cycle.
I like your openness on this issue, I don't have the answers, but I hope you can find a good way to navigate these issues. I await help (queue), it'll maybe come up.
I felt this piece as a human with mother issues. But also as a dad to a 7 year old girl. I've always told myself to always be there and this was a great read/reminder to be there even when you think they may be old enough to go out on their own, but that a parent's job is never done. Thank you for this.
Trevor! I've got mother issues too (skirted writing about them too in an earlier piece). We all have parental wounds from our parents and for those of us who are parents do have a responsibility going forward. Our generation is lucky that we have places like this we can share and everyone is seemingly more open.
I very much appreciate you reading and commenting.
Glad we are walking this parenthood path together (my girl is 11).
Love it ā yes, s u p e r p o w e r mode started to arose when I dealed in the right way with my mother's issues. At the moment I only write to her. No phone calls... maybe... we'll see. š¤šš«
First of all, this was a heavy, well-written post, and as a father to a young girl, I want to thank you for writing it.
I have a question as well and if the answer is "I don't know", that's fine.
These 'daddy issue' stories usually go one of two ways: The woman never trusts a man again, which can often lead to low self-worth, sleeping with a lot of men, and a life of relative solitude. Or, it can go in the opposite direction and the woman desperately wants true love and matrimony and children.
I have a Sixteen year old, that as she has become older, been more difficult to show affection to. (Mostly because of her wanting independence), but, because of my own fatherās very early death when I was 6, Iāve told her and all my children. āYou know I love you so muchā¦ (I know daddy).. how do you know?ā¦ (because you always tell us)ā¦ why do I do this?.. (because you never want us to forget)..ā
Damn. Sounds like you're a good one. Just keep being there. You never know when there might be that strand of pushing you away but really just wanting you there. ā¤ļøāš„ā¤ļøāš„
struggling with wounds is so difficult. I just did a Kintsugi bowl project. I love what you say about not staring at the wounds forever, yet using them as our superpower. I am working on it. thank you!
Girlfriend I hear you. Generational passing down. I really used to have it in for Adam and Eve but now I have forgiven them and since time is relative and created for us and God sees the end and the beginning I pray for all my family that has passed perhaps those prayers said with live now God hears and honors during the time they were alive
I really like your writing and I agree outcomes can become our strengths. But I am confused between the two pics of you in the tutu and you at the Grand Canyon
The first photo is me in the tutu which is in the story. The Grand Canyon photo symbolizes trying to fill a large hole / wound that may never be full. Also generational passing down of wounds.
Those wounds. I feel this. I'm so sorry you dealt with all of that.
Your posts are authentic, and well written and insightful. They resonate with so many of us. You have a gift with reaching people through words and you are using it
Aw, Jane thank you so much. You do as well! I'm so glad we are all hear, writing about this crazy life together. It really does make it so much easier. And you in particular make me feel so seen....there is no greater gift. I appreciate you so very much ā¤ļø
I felt this: "Iām wanting reassurance from him. Iām wanting him to tell me that this is something more than casual. That I am special. That this could be love." - it is humiliating and has made me vulnerable to emotional abuse š
I know this feeling all too well Samantha. I've even needed this reassurance from friends at times.
Don't be humiliated...you are being vulnerable and true and authentic and if it is not meant with kindness, the person doesn't deserve you.
Thanks very much for reading and commenting. Sending strength and peace as we navigate this crazy life together.
Samantha, iām sure you know everything Iām going to say here, but please do remember to be kind to yourself first. Look yourself in the mirror every day and say I do deserve to be loved the way I want to, I already have greatness inside of me. It was given to you by God above, and it lives in you all the time whether someone sees it or not that is the very definition of being special that is what we are. Iām sending you hugs on a cold winter day and hopes for a better tomorrow for all of us.
š Thank you so much for those kind and gentle words, I appreciate it š
You are worth it. And so much more. I know far too many much younger people who need to know it too. š
It's my pleasure. Few people are brave enough to do the basic introspection and work necessary to help them evolve. Actually working through it, and sharing it with the public like you are, is another level.
Cheers!
Youāre making me blush. Thank you
I lost my famiily too some by death, some by choice , (anti-lgbt) some by forced hand -when they couldn't be bothered to see me after hospital error and genetic defect caused a 24 minute cardiac arrest me on a ventilator and they could find 1 hour to drive from a city 30 mins away. I gave them 1 year after then disowned them. My mum took your dads role, my dad I felt nothing at his death. I can't understand his personakiĆ¾y change or pretend to understand igs individual harm. But I send you love from afar, I understand some trauma you felt probably. šøš§”šø
I'm sorry to hear what you've gone through as well. Unfortunately, I think most people can relate to some issues with parents or caregivers. What matters now is we try to heal and rise above. I am still estranged from both of my parents. I sometimes wonder if this is hurting or harming me. It changes on a day to day basis I guess.
I very much appreciate you reading and commenting ā¤ļøā¤ļø
I went no contact with my mother 25 years ago. She has since died. It was a difficult decision at the time. But, it was something I needed to do for my own survival and mental wellbeing.
The only thing I can ever think to say when people ask me about it is: āI have to keep my peace intactā
Maybe I will write about this in the future. Will DM you too to chat about your experienceā¦
DM me any time.
Same here.
My thoughts on this from one sensitive person to, evidently, another. I cut ties with my father about five years prior to his death. When he died I was not sad. His death carved nothing out of my life. A void in me was formed by way of his negligent parenting, abuse and selfishness. I intellectually and instinctively knew I had lost nothing when I heard of his death. Instilled guilt, good character and notions regarding propriety can make us hesitate or question deciding to estrange from people that are toxic. If a sensitive individual feels they need to protect themselves emotionally or otherwise from somebody in their life, it seems a good indication to draw firm boundaries where possible. Where boundaries are not possible or respected, estrangement, atleast temporary, seems the justified solution.
Thanks very much for reading Jay. My next essay is on the feelings surrounding estrangement and how difficult they can be. It will probably be ready tomorrow.
Iām sorry to hear what youāve been through. There are too many of us who have issues with the ones who were supposed to love and protect us.
Thanks Holly. I'm new to both the platform and posting. For some reason your essays showed up on my feed. You seem to be a kind, inspiring and supportive source of positive energy for many people. Laudable and valuable particularly these days.
Welcome. There are a lot of great people here. And I do tryā¦.going to keep at it. I look forward to getting to know you! ā¤ļøā¤ļø
Me too.
I went to therapy to resolve the traumas. I also found some books that were helpful at the time. Both of my parents were narcissistic. Drama of the Gifted Child is a good book. Mommy Dearest and Understanding Your Borderline Mother were the breakthrough books I needed to understand my motherās behavior towards me. I was always confused by the way she acted and treated me. I had to accept that my parents would never change. Both of them could have been locked up in jail for what they did. They lacked the capacity to consider the consequences of their actions. Itās sad, but I could not submit myself to their constant abuse. I also needed to consider my childrenās needs. I broke the cycle of intergenerational trauma. That felt like an accomplishment. Still, my children grew up without grandparents. That was difficult as I did not have much family to rely upon.
I'm in your exact same boat, Anna. It sounds like you've handled it with grace. I'm still figuring out the impact it will have on me and my daughter in the future....but yes. I'm so glad to have broken the cycle.
I like your openness on this issue, I don't have the answers, but I hope you can find a good way to navigate these issues. I await help (queue), it'll maybe come up.
I will figure out some aspect...I am tenacious in that regard!
Thanks, Felkja.
Sorry my phone keyboard does strange things lately to words
They couldn't find an hour
I felt this piece as a human with mother issues. But also as a dad to a 7 year old girl. I've always told myself to always be there and this was a great read/reminder to be there even when you think they may be old enough to go out on their own, but that a parent's job is never done. Thank you for this.
Trevor! I've got mother issues too (skirted writing about them too in an earlier piece). We all have parental wounds from our parents and for those of us who are parents do have a responsibility going forward. Our generation is lucky that we have places like this we can share and everyone is seemingly more open.
I very much appreciate you reading and commenting.
Glad we are walking this parenthood path together (my girl is 11).
Your dad's a jackass :) And yet I'm feeling tender about his own unhealed wounds. He is sadly missing out.
He is definitely missing out. Mostly on his gorgeous granddaughter.
Love you Holly. I had that with my mom and it still hurts even though sheās been gone for years. This was his issue, not yours.
Sending strength your way.
What hurts most is that he has no relationship with his granddaughter.
My mom spent almost no time with my kids. They barely remember her. Itās sad. But given how toxic she was, itās for the best.
Iām good - all these events with my mom were years ago. We didnāt speak much once I became an adult.
Love it ā yes, s u p e r p o w e r mode started to arose when I dealed in the right way with my mother's issues. At the moment I only write to her. No phone calls... maybe... we'll see. š¤šš«
Thanks so much for reading, Marisa. Have to just use the pain for power!
Wishing you the best!
It is so true that we need to outgrow our wounds. Just that some are so deep that to heal them would require cutting off a limb. Beautiful writing.
Nazishā¦thank you for reading and your comment. And I agreeā¦trying to transcendā¦but itās hard.
Very much appreciate your compliment too. Hearing beautiful writing is the best thing to hear. ā¤ļøā¤ļø
First of all, this was a heavy, well-written post, and as a father to a young girl, I want to thank you for writing it.
I have a question as well and if the answer is "I don't know", that's fine.
These 'daddy issue' stories usually go one of two ways: The woman never trusts a man again, which can often lead to low self-worth, sleeping with a lot of men, and a life of relative solitude. Or, it can go in the opposite direction and the woman desperately wants true love and matrimony and children.
What causes one to go down either path?
I think it may end up coming down to personality and some other external circumstancesā¦
I think for a lot of women they try to fill the voidā¦so sleeping with menā¦always seeking validationā¦.
Totally person to person dependent though.
Thanks very much for reading and commenting! ā¤ļøā¤ļø Love your girl well.
I have a Sixteen year old, that as she has become older, been more difficult to show affection to. (Mostly because of her wanting independence), but, because of my own fatherās very early death when I was 6, Iāve told her and all my children. āYou know I love you so muchā¦ (I know daddy).. how do you know?ā¦ (because you always tell us)ā¦ why do I do this?.. (because you never want us to forget)..ā
Damn. Sounds like you're a good one. Just keep being there. You never know when there might be that strand of pushing you away but really just wanting you there. ā¤ļøāš„ā¤ļøāš„
It was much easier before the age of 10! lolā¦ my oldest is a good oneā¦ Merciā Holly..
struggling with wounds is so difficult. I just did a Kintsugi bowl project. I love what you say about not staring at the wounds forever, yet using them as our superpower. I am working on it. thank you!
Thank you very much for reading and commenting, Anastasia. ā¤ļø
This post touched me more than expected... As I read more and more I had a horrible feeling.
I sincerely hope I will not be this father to my daughter.
I can't. I won't.
Thank you.
You wonāt.
Everything in life is a mirrorā¦shows us what we need to see and how to proceed. It is clear you have awareness going forward.
Thank you for reading and commenting, Daniel ā¤ļø
Thank you for your kind words.
Sometimes, Holly, your writing is like a shadow I've always known was there that I won't engage, yet will suddenly speak.
I can't help but listen and am glad to hear her voice.
Thank you for bravely writing with such candor. šŗ
Thank you, Holly. ššø
Repost as you desire.
What an absolutely lovely comment. Do you care if I restack this?
And it is my pleasure. I appreciate you and thank you for reading, Antasha. ā¤ļø
Girlfriend I hear you. Generational passing down. I really used to have it in for Adam and Eve but now I have forgiven them and since time is relative and created for us and God sees the end and the beginning I pray for all my family that has passed perhaps those prayers said with live now God hears and honors during the time they were alive
I really like your writing and I agree outcomes can become our strengths. But I am confused between the two pics of you in the tutu and you at the Grand Canyon
The first photo is me in the tutu which is in the story. The Grand Canyon photo symbolizes trying to fill a large hole / wound that may never be full. Also generational passing down of wounds.
Thank you for reading Holly.